Spring Break
Over-the-top 'Underworld' hellishly entertaining
by Daniel D. Snyder
Associate Editor
Off campus | 2/24/09
Posted online at 3:20 AM EST on 2/24/09
It's no secret that the Oscars, our nation's most prestigious, pretentious and expensive awards, are floundering. Viewership hits a new low every year, as have the costs of advertising slots during the three hour-plus ceremony; they've cycled through multiple potential hosts (arriving at not-so-superstar Hugh Jackman), and worst of all, they've become predictable. All of the top films have had an award locked down since they debuted as far back as June. These days, you can spot an Oscar winner a mile away. The ingredients are pretty simple: Take two parts sensitive subject matter (Nazis, gay rights, global warming), one part big-name actor (DiCaprio, Winslett, Penn), sprinkle household-name director, bake at 350 degrees, and serve it up to a society whose members' tastes are well known. I say we spice up the Oscars with some snazzy new categories, ones that might actually stir up some controversy among the voters.
So, without further ado I submit for "Most Entertaining Viewing Experience": Underworld: Rise of the Lycans.
By traditional standards of good taste, character development, convincing performance, emotional attachment and plot, it was a terrible movie. Simply awful. I imagine the creative process for this film went something like this:
Writer Alan: Well, the script is due tomorrow. What've we got?
Writer Bernard: Nothing really. We have like half a page of notes, and I can't read your handwriting. It's more than we had for the other two Underworld movies, but I think we should turn in at least a page this time. I need my Christmas bonus to pay child support.
Writer Alan: What about that script we wrote at the meth party? You remember the one. It was a mix of Interview with a Vampire, Teen Wolf, Braveheart, The Rock and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
Writer Bernard: Brilliant! It practically writes itself! Cut and paste some dialogue from some other movies. Don't rip anything too good. We can't have anyone picking up on our evil scheme. I'm going to go do drugs in the bathroom.
So, without further ado I submit for "Most Entertaining Viewing Experience": Underworld: Rise of the Lycans.
By traditional standards of good taste, character development, convincing performance, emotional attachment and plot, it was a terrible movie. Simply awful. I imagine the creative process for this film went something like this:
Writer Alan: Well, the script is due tomorrow. What've we got?
Writer Bernard: Nothing really. We have like half a page of notes, and I can't read your handwriting. It's more than we had for the other two Underworld movies, but I think we should turn in at least a page this time. I need my Christmas bonus to pay child support.
Writer Alan: What about that script we wrote at the meth party? You remember the one. It was a mix of Interview with a Vampire, Teen Wolf, Braveheart, The Rock and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
Writer Bernard: Brilliant! It practically writes itself! Cut and paste some dialogue from some other movies. Don't rip anything too good. We can't have anyone picking up on our evil scheme. I'm going to go do drugs in the bathroom.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
aaron
posted 2/26/09 @ 4:08 AM EST
Fuck yeah man. The oscars are fuckin'g fascist bullshit.!!!!!
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